Well, it had to happen some time. Having tackled such troubling subjects as “The perils of the South American shower” (posted 24-9-08) and “The horrors of the South American bus journey” (posted 24-9-08), it is now my painful duty to explore the ins-and-outs of that most enigmatic of domestic appliances, the South American toilet. I suppose I should start off by frankly admitting that the title of this post is wildly untrue. There are many aspects of the South American toilet that will be forever cloaked in mystery, never to be heard by the ear of man. There are other pieces of information that I simply haven´t been able to find out. If any of my readers (numbering around two at latest count) can help add information to this piece, and/or can help me with a “good bano guide to Buenos Aires” that I am in the middle of constructing, any helpful postings would be appreciated...
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Tips and Rules to survive your time in the lav.
Tips and Rules to survive your time in the lav.
- Remember to always take your own toilet paper in South America - chances are, the toilet you’re visiting won’t have any. A half-roll / visit should be sufficient.*
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-Although I always advocate cheapness (naturally), quality of toilet paper is an important issue that should be considered twice. “Economy” in England is not the same as “economy” in Bolivia. The latter is sandpaper, plain and simple. Your choice.
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-Although I always advocate cheapness (naturally), quality of toilet paper is an important issue that should be considered twice. “Economy” in England is not the same as “economy” in Bolivia. The latter is sandpaper, plain and simple. Your choice.
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- The first thing you want to do is check the toilet for ‘clogage’. If it is quite apparent that it had been used recently but not flushed, do not attempt to flush. There’s probably something wrong with the flush, and you may be stirring up something you’ll regret. *
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- If the toilet looks safe to flush, do so. It will clean some of the smears left by your dorm-mates.
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-The vast majority of toilets I have visited do not have toilet seats, so unless you’re either a practicing contortionist or enjoy sitting directly on a cold, dirty toilet rim, you’ve got a bit of work to do before getting down to business. With a couple of 3’ - 4’ long sections of toilet paper folded every foot or so, form a ‘V’ shape to cover the front of the toilet rim, where you’ll be perched — because unless you’re 500lbs+, you may find it pretty much impossible to sit as you normally would on a toilet without a seat - hence the ‘perching’. *
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- Needless to say, protect your genetalia from contact with the toilet itself, at all times.
Sit down and go. Now, there’s a problem you’ll only notice if you go through these steps: how to do a #1. Since that piece of your personal equipment is no longer directly above the water (if you are a male), you’ll either have to hold it, or determine that you really should have gone before you sat down.*
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Sit down and go. Now, there’s a problem you’ll only notice if you go through these steps: how to do a #1. Since that piece of your personal equipment is no longer directly above the water (if you are a male), you’ll either have to hold it, or determine that you really should have gone before you sat down.*
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-It might be an idea to flush often during the process. Just like you, the toilet works best when given several managable tasks to achieve.
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-We now approach one of the less certain areas of this enterprise. To flush, or not to flush? Paper, I mean. That really is the question. As far as I can determine, whether you are in the biggest city or the smallest village, you will always come across signs asking you not to flush your “papelles”. Practically speaking, if you are in Argentina and Brazil, you can usually get away with it if you are in a largish city. In the rest of South America, (or in rural areas of Argentina and Brazil), things get less certain...
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-If you are in an area without good plumbing (i.e. not in an Argentine or Brazillian city), you will have to avoid getting any toilet paper in the bowl during your cleaning up process. This takes some training...
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-The paper instead goes in the little bin next to the toilet.
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- Erm....right. Toilet paper. Let us just say; Those with proper manners will ensure none of the used side, or ‘dirty bits’ will be exposed. A bit of origami practice will have you expert at this in no time. Use your initiative.
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-If the trash receptacle is so full that not one piece of toilet paper will actually stay balanced on the top without tumbling off, simply start another pile next to (or behind) the full trash bin.
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-OK, this is where things get nasty; the combination of “the runs”, with a high water level on the toilet often leads to “splatter”, for which all areas “of the gluteus maximus have to be checked”. I did not write this snippet – I nicked it off another site.
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- Finally, the flush. Never, EVER touch the handle with your hands. Use a foot to push it down. However, some toilets have a pull chain which you may want to grab onto shielded by a layer of toilet paper or the bottom of your shirt (in my case only). After all, washing the toilet is a rare activity, so polishing up the chrome is probably never thought of. *
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- Once you flush, watch out. If the level of the water in the basin gets perilously close to the top, RUN! Otherwise, in the unlikely event that there is a wash basin, wash your hands thoroughly and leave the washroom. *
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